About the first two weeks of motherhood/parenthood..
It’s basically a mind fuck. Is she eating enough? Is she peeing/pooping enough? Is this normal? Am I doing this right? Who the hell left us in charge? Why is she crying? Why can’t she just close her eyes? Is this normal????
Oh and then to add in the emotions. I am not an emotional person. Then enter pregnancy / post-partum craziness and I am a basket case. I cried a lot during pregnancy whenever I was in the car because I missed my grandma’s because I used to call and talk to them on my way to places (enter tears now as I type this because I miss them).
Now, I cry because I feel like I am not doing this right, that I am failing, and why the hell did we ever decide it was a good idea to have a kid? I know this is all normal but I feel like I am doing a sucky job at being her mom.
It helps to have people to talk to and get some validation in what you are doing. Preferably, people who are not your family and are online/on the phone so you don’t have to see the judgment and they don’t know that they are making you cry, if that does happen.
I hate that I cry at nothing, because I do not show weakness and I am quickly learning that being a mom is all about having to fucking admit the weaknesses and ask for help. I HATE ASKING FOR HELP. I like to do things on my own. But dangit, it’s all I can do to feed/clothe/entertain her and sometimes do the same to myself. And also? My floors need washed like no other (hello sticky feet ewww) my carpet needs vacuumed and my floorboards and god knows what else needs to be cleaned. I just don’t have it in me.
Even though I still feel like I spend half the day sitting on my ass doing nothing, but in reality, if I do too much, my vag hurts and I have to sit down anyway, cuz oh yeah, I am still recovering from birth.
And recovering from birth is another thing too. Yeah, I never want to look at my vag again. And I am pretty sure my husband doesn’t either. I’m still too scared to wipe normally and don’t know when that will change. However, I’d kill to go in the pool right now.
Then I look at her and I fall in love with her and even though I know she doesn’t always look cute and does resemble an old man occasionally, I find her pretty darn adorable. I love how my husband cares for her, worries for her, helps both of us and has stepped up in ways I never imagined. And it makes me cry.