I'm currently reading The Drowning Tree by Carol Goodman, and in it there is a character Juno, who is a single mother of a 15 year old daughter. She's reminiscing about college and mentions that she misses the fearless that she used to possess.
How she would do random things on the spur of the moment and have no fear. Ride every roller coaster, try illegal drugs, anything and everything she tried it. Until, her senior year of college when she was pregnant with her daughter. Then she started being more cautious, losing the fearlessness and replacing it with fear and anxiety. She ponders if it is the protecting of another life that made this change or if it was a growing up / wiser sort of thing. She wonders if she ever will have that fearlessness again. If she can ever let her daughter go out to kayak without the constant fear that she will tip and drown.
It resonated with me because I sometimes wonder what happened to the fearless girl inside of me. Sure, some of it IS growing wiser with age and experience, but when people my age and older still take the world by the seat of their pants OBVIOUSLY it doesn't affect everyone. No matter what, my roller coaster days are behind me, thanks to some really bad motion sickness that set in around age 16. Thanks a lot, body. You always manage to ruin my fun!
I used to possess SUCH confidence but then life happened. Good things, things that were easy to me either stopped happening or were suddenly not so easy. I got frustrated the first few times, brushed it off and got back on the horse, but I can only handle so much defeat and frustration until I quit. And I never used to be a quitter.
I hate that. I want that balls to the wall girl back. The girl who never quit, never took no for an answer. I occasionally catch glimpses after a few too many cocktails and I feel invigorated. But why should alcohol be the force behind my carefree ways?
Is it age? Is it being a mom? I want to be that kick ass girl again. Not the girl constantly not taking chances cuz she's afraid of the rejection. Again.
I need to let it roll off my shoulders and move on.
So here's to taking life by the seat of the pants! I'm looking for you crazy fearless me, and we are going to get close again.